My inner castle

What has become of my spiritual life with Christ?

There was a time that Christ was to me an exploration, an adventure of the soul.  For the first time I experienced something greater than myself.  Transcendence was a friend and awe was my companion, and we build a castle together.  The blocks of this castle were made from books I read, sermons I listened to, dialogues I shared, and scripture I memorized.  The church was the mortar, as were the bible studies and worship night I attended.  So built was this castle, and I built it strong and high.  Philosophy and mysticism added to the complexity of its design and its walls were of morality and right living.  

One day I stopped building the castle.  It was finished, but the finished product did not bring satisfaction.  Building more rooms and raising more steeples seemed to be vanity, pointless for the purpose of this life.  And so I walked, and the building stopped, and I lost purpose.  The church no longer fulfilled its mortar purposes, and bible studies and worship services seemed to have the same simple message, but with different melody lines.  The message was salvation, but I am saved, and the only thing left to do was to help save others.  But why would I want to bring them into this world of inactivity when they seem to have the same satisfaction of life as I did.  I was not interested in building other people’s castles when mine was so – vacant. 

So I walked through life.  I still believed what I once did.  I still held the values and morals that I build my castle with.  I still held close the old sermons, books, and worship services. I knew they had value, but I no longer took joy in them as I once did.  What is Christianity?!  Is it only building a system of beliefs and morals?  So I looked at my castle, but I recognized that I had been looking at it in only one way.  I realized that I believed that the castle was only something to be built, but it is really something to be lived in.  So, with what do I furnish my castle?  Why, its virtue!  Virtues, like prudence, bravery, creativity, curiosity, learning, wisdom, persistence, integrity, vitality, love, kindness, loyalty, fairness, leadership, mercy, humility, and gratitude.  The castle no longer needs to be built.  It is finished.  Now, said I, furnish your castle with these.  

Peccatoris

Have you ever been addicted?

I’m not talking about Doritos or a TV show

I mean, have you ever really been addicted?

Recently I sat in on a couple talks concerning addiction

One on Methadone and one on obesity

Did you know a people’s body and mind changes from addiction?

Isn’t sin addicting?  It’s so difficult to break out of

We develop patterns in our life

And we try to change, but we come back

I’m tempted to end this with a happy ending

Something like “you can do all things through Christ….”

But part of the dirty truth is that most don’t break out

Tonight I don’t want to end this on a happy note

I feel as though it would be an injustice

An injustice to those who are trapped

This is my second year being a therapist

I’ve started meeting people where life is really ugly and dark

We are all so broken

Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner 

What of my madness?

Poor soul now realizing.

She's lived false dreams

And special        things

What a farce,   a      tragedy! 

Now,
what of angels   ?
                                                   And transcendent words? 

They aren’t real.

But they are real to her. 

Uncertainty possesses her.An unpredictable mind.In a moment the fantastic besets her.Unable to know  

Fran   ticall  y.disorganized...mem.....ories

Dis org an ized th ou ghts

And--bizarre--manner, (however)

By what standard do I measure? 

So medication SUSTAINS her 

And others CONSTRUCT her. 

But I COMPARE her to my STANDARD

My standard of sanity and reality

How different am I? 

I am but a slight.   shade.    of gray.        away   

At times my mind is not      sane
 

Lord, how do you view my madness?

Found restless?

Earlier today I was enjoying the beautiful spring sun on a cafe patio wondering about Augustine's words -- "Our hearts were made for You, O Lord, and they are restless until they rest in you."

A part of me said, "But Lord, do I not take joy in the work of my hands, and does not a man find rest in the embrace of his beloved?" But I was really asking, "But why have you given us this world and for what in this world do you wish me to pour myself?"

For a second Augustine's words seemed contrived and overly abstract.  Rest? Rest in what? So I went to his Confessions and sought an answer.  With his words he painted a picture of the mystery that is God, and the goodness he encompasses, and the expanse to which he is limited and unlimited, and I was overwhelmed by His presence.

I was taken by his description of God imbuing us saying, "or are we the vessels which you fill do not confine you, since even if they were broken, you would not be poured out.  And, when you are poured out on us, you are not thereby brought down; rather, we are lifted"

Then my questions were answered by the final words of the first book.  "But herein lay my sin, that it was not in him, but in his creatures--myself and the rest--that I sought for pleasures, honors, and truths. And I fell thereby into sorrows, troubles, and errors. Thanks be to thee, my joy, my pride, my confidence, my God--thanks be to thee for thy gifts; but do thou preserve them in me. For thus wilt thou preserve me; and those things which thou hast given me shall be developed and perfected, and I myself shall be with thee, for from thee is my being."

Rain, Wind, Light

A musician, a mystic, spoke the other day.
He mentioned Merton's question
Wondering what would happen if man could buy the rain
For there is freedom in its falling - would it continue to be free?
And he said, "I want to fall like the rain" 
Which meant he wanted to be free of distraction
For the improper influence of man corrupts 
I, too, want to fall like the rain

Christ spoke of the wind
How it blows where it wishes and you hear its sound
But you do not know from where it comes or goes
And so are those born of the Spirit
I want to blow like the wind

I saw myself, and I was like a mirror
It was shattered by life and sin, broken
But I was covered by reflective glass
I made this covering, and it hid my distortion
And the Lord said, "I am made strong in  your weakness"
Be covered no more, he said
And it is humility that makes the shattered mirror beautiful
It is humility that makes it a mosaic of light
I want to shine forth light

A Spirited Commentary

Apparently, there is a large body of literature discussing the Greek or Platonic influence on the Pauline literature.  It seems to me that if a person can read into the scriptures, especially the New Testament, and suggest that the authors were influenced by different philosophical schools then this stokes the debate concerning scripture's interpretation and the potential for human fallibility, which might tarnish scripture's inerrancy.  I am a self-proclaimed novice on this topic since I have read very little concerning these matters, but here are my thoughts nonetheless. 

Some claim that Paul’s writings are rife with Platonic dualism.  For example, 1 Corinthians 2:12 indicate a dichotomy between a Spirit from heaven and the world, Romans 7 and 8 suggest a dualism in a person and asserts the ability for a person to live either by the spirit or the flesh.  The defense for the Platonic influence on Paul is put much more eloquently then I have here, but I think you get the idea. 

In John 3, Christ says, “That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.” Later in that chapter Christ says, “And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.”  I believe Paul builds on Christ words.  He suggests that people should “walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit,” indicates that the person who “sets their mind on the spirit is life and peace,” and he indicates that “if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the flesh, you will live.” These seem to correspond, and not diverge from, Christ's words. 

I’m not sure if Paul’s works were more influenced by his Hebrew roots or his Greek education.  If these scriptures represent a Platonic influence then it seems that the Spirit of Christ has made it that his words would correspond with Christ’s words.  

I woke up this morning with my mind… so objects passion

Have you ever heard that Italian song, the one that Pavarotti sang... well he sang a lot of song.  Its called La Donne e mobile.  I find that song really funny because most women would swoon if somebody sang it too them.  Unbeknownst to them, the title really mean "the woman is fickle." I'm reminded of that song today because, beknownst to me, I am also fickle.  

Isaiah observed of the Lord, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you.”  Those who have had times when their mind was fixed on the Lord might echo this exclamation.  In those times we might say,  ‘“The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”  For me, those times are as calming as they are fleeting. 

So much of the Christian life is waiting.  In fact, one of the holy triad is Hope, accompanied by Faith and Love, and necessitates waiting.  Indeed, waiting also takes humility, and so it says “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the might hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you.”  At the proper time!… but what about now?! I don’t know about you, but these two give me a pretty good run for my money.   

Spiritual hope and other experiences seems to be internal experience.  Have you ever walked out of a church service or finished reading the Word and walked outside and realized that, despite your renewed mind, the world is the same.  The external world produces in us tension that goads our flesh for it rarely changes. It's pursuit of our affections is incessant. 

Then “How can a young man keep his way pure?” I ask.  Well, “By guarding it according to Your word” says the Word.  To be honest, this sounds exhausting to me right now.  I don’t do well with working towards something that doesn’t have a definite ending in the near future.  Somehow death and heaven seems to be such a long way off.  

Then I’m reminded, this one state of mind, too, and is only temporary.  Doesn’t man’s passions ebb and flow throughout days, weeks, and months.  Whether I experience joy or despond, the Lord remains constant for “he is not a man that he should change his mind.”  The truth is that I am fickle and need to be reminded constantly of his grace, hope, and love.  Praise be given to the Lord that he would steady my mind. 

Hedonic Holiness: Live in freedom, walk in love, seek joy through obedience

Scared Tradition?

I have been devoted to Christianity for about a decade.  Through this decade I have been exposed to many denomination, doctrines, and Christian spiritual traditions, both modern and ancient.  To be honest, I've become pretty confused as to how I'm supposed to live.  The Baptists would have me study systematic theology, the Catholics would have me quiet and staying true to the sacraments in community, the Reformed would have me read Spurgeon and Calvin, the moderns would praise Lewis, and the new monastics would suggest that I'm going through a "Dark Night of the Soul" and should push into my "Inner Castle" while praying that I too would have the insight of Merton.  Well, I've done all of that and have found their exhortations wanting. 

Back to Scripture:

The first scripture I came into contact today was “it was for freedom’s sake that Christ set us free.” There is a great deal of freedom in the Christian life.  So, on one hand my life is completely up to me - I'm free.  However, there seems to be many general principles by which a Christian is to live; they are foundational and to be followed by everyone, no matter what vocation you find yourself in.  Some of these included "walk in love," "walk in the spirit," "walk as Children of light," and "walk in wisdom."   Some subordinate principles might include: humble yourselves, do not think of yourself more highly then you are, use your gifts, do not grumble, bear one another's burdens, and boast only in the cross.  I don't know about you, but this seems like a good start.   

So, on one end I am free.  On the other end I am a slave to love. 

Christian Hedonism: seeking joy.

But what about joy?  I think the amalgamation of all these other people's words have jumbled my mind and I am doubting the place of joy in the Christian life.  Now, Jesus enduring the cross “for the joy set before him." Perhaps joy is a proper motivational goal and the ultimate outcome of a life of obedience.  It the life that lives by what I previously mentioned.  This seems to be consistent with some of those guys my Christian friends refer me to.  One such author said "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." Another said, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." And another said, "A good man loves kindness (Micah 6:8) and delights in the law of the Lord (Psalm 1:2), and the will of the Lord (Psalm 40:8). But how shall such a man do an act of kindness disinterestedly? The better the man, the more joy in obedience." 

So today's take-away - Live in freedom, walk in love, seek joy through obedience 

Light Becomes You

The Lyme and the Nancy

I’m looking at a crimson beeswax candle, which serves as the backlight to my Chateau Haut Blaignan wine from Medoc - 2009 was a good year – and am kind of pissed at myself for being so lonely.  Though 3/4^th a bottle of wine is sufficient for melancholia, I’m guessing this loneliness sequelae is genuine.  So, I pour another glass.  I’m wondering if there is possibly somebody out there that will be able to get me.  I mean, I’m pretty confusing.  I enjoy fine wine, Chopin, and play the Clarinet while often indulging in boarish, testosterone filled television shows, mountain biking, rock climbing…. a bit of a paradox, I suppose.  I’m not trying to bluster, it’s a genuine concern of mine.  – Tonight I researched Lyme Disease for three hours and it was awesome, I mean, I enjoyed the research.  A client of mine has Lyme Disease and I’m guessing his cognitive deficits are secondary to this condition.  Poor chap. -  The wine is really good. - I prayed that my heart would become more tender, more emotionally invested in my clients.  God answered.  Researching their conditions is one way I deal with it, how I deal with their struggle.  There is a lot of struggle out there, which is a good reminder; I think I’ll stop being lonely now. What a Nancy.   

Phantom in the corner

Its not artwork, but its not bad for a phone camera.